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February 1st, 2011

11:43 pm - Jean-Claude Van Damme meets Godzilla, wins
Universal Soldier
Jean-Claude Van Damme faces off with Dolph Lundgren in Vietnam. Lundgren has lost his mind. The two kill each other. 20 years later, both are part of a super-soldier program using revived corpses with wiped memories. The trouble is that Van Damme gets his memory back. Then Lundgren does. Then the shit hits the fan.

I really liked this movie. There's gore, explosives, defenestration, gratuitous Van Damme ass, cute reporter, ear necklaces. Heads will roll. Four stars. Honey says check it out.

Hard Target
Lance Henrikson is charging rich guys a ton of money to play The Most Dangerous Game with homeless ex-soldiers. The problem is, his last victim had an estranged daughter, and she come to town to find her daddy. What she finds is Jean-Claude Van Damme--and his mullet. His jeri-curled mullet. Gah.

This John Woo flick is all right, but it's no Universal Soldier.

Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster
Ghidorah shows up and starts doing the Chicken Dance of Destruction on everything in his path. The surviving Mothra larva pleads with Godzilla and Rodan to stop squabbling and fight King Ghidorah. There is tail-biting.

Mothra stays a worm the whole movie, so its whole attack is still squirting its opponent in the face with a sticky white liquid. This makes me uncomfortable. The movie as a whole just puts me to sleep.

Invasion of the Astro-Monster
Aliens borrow Godzilla & Rodan to defeat a monster threatening their world. This is Monster Zero, who (spoiler alert) is really King Ghidorah. Blah blah blah plot to take over the Earth with mind-controlled monsters.

The best part of this movie was when the cat settled down on my legs.

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January 29th, 2011

03:45 am - "Baby doesn't WALK. And Baby doesn't TALK. And Baby doesn't STAND."
The Baby
A social worker and another woman look at pictures of a child, which show the child growing up, then an adult in a crib. The social worker meets the baby-man's creepy family and tries to help the guy. Baby's abused in several ways, and can't tell anyone about it. But how much of it is being mentally disabled and how much is enforced by his family?

This is a strange movie. I really had no idea what would happen next. There is this cheap, sleazy seventies feel to it that actually enhances the disturbing aspects of the story. And at the end I was just going, what the fuck?

Godzilla Vs. Mothra
In the first showdown between Mothra and Godzilla, nothing ground-breaking appears to happen--except Godzilla is actually beaten by one of his foes. Mothra is the only monster to accomplish this, and that makes her special. But actually it is her twin offspring who defeat the giant lizard, spraying him with their webbing.

Which is really just a couple of long tan things shooting a sticky white fluid onto a giant lizard for an uncomfortably long time.

Other than that, a thoroughly unremarkable entry in the series.

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January 26th, 2011

02:11 am - "They're for the bullet holes, puta!"
King of New York
They should give Christopher Walken his own CSI spin-off. Maybe Wesley Snipes, too.

In this movie, gangsters kill each other and cops go after them in illegal ways and nobody's a good guy. Hell of a good movie, but sexist and sort of depressing.

Hot Fuzz
An action movie parody with great action. I think my favorite part is still where Simon Pegg kicks an old lady in the face.

Machine Girl
My bother gave me this for christmas. The main movie DVD works on other DVD players, just not mine. This is a pain in the ass, but the movie is still a lot of fun.

The sequel included, however, is too stupid even for me.

House of Flying Daggers
This movie is derivative of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but that does not stop it from being utter fucking eye candy. Aside from being gorgeous, it is very sad and has great action and good-looking lead actors. Watch the pretty movie, folks.

The Stendhal Syndrome
Here I thought I would combine my gorgeous and depressing with really fucking disturbing. This is one of the better mind-fuck horror movies, but it is definitely not for everyone.

Asia Argento has a weird experience in an art museum that makes her pass out and forget who she is for a little while. While this is still going on, she is attacked by a murdering rapist maniac. She gets away, but he comes back.

Really, a lot of this is hard to sit through.

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January 16th, 2011

10:21 pm - perfumed samurai babies
A young man who lives through his nose becomes a perfumer in order to preserve the scent of certain women, who are universally loved.

This movie is great. Great casting, great directing, looks perfect. It also manages to get across the idea of scents ON FILM. Tell me this isn't an achievement.

Zatoichi Meets Yojimbo
Just what it says, pretty much, with corruption and killing everywhere. The two characters do not mesh very well, but it's still pretty interesting.

Children of Men
I have seen this before, and even though I question why everything needs to be tinted blue, it's a hell of a good movie.

Of course, now the phrase "Pull my finger" makes me want to cry.

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January 9th, 2011

11:04 pm - Stompy!
Godzilla Raids Again
This attempt to keep some of the impact of Gojira while having him fight another monster is an utter failure. What you get is dull piled on dull.

On the upside, I got some really great sleep as soon as it was over.

All Monsters Attack
Some unpopular kid falls asleep and dreams about Monster Island, where he meets Minilla who can speak to him. Also there is a goofy kitty-lizard thing, a counterpart to a bully the kid knows in real life.

Monster dreams teach the kid life lessons that help him take care of himself when he is kidnapped by bank robbers. At least that part is kind of interesting.

And no, I didn't make any of this shit up.

Also, I fucking hate Minilla SO MUCH.

Terror of Mechagodzilla
After the last two movies, this movie was a real improvement. However, that's not saying much.

Hostile aliens use a scientist who hates humanity to rebuild Mechagodzilla in order to conquer Earth. Scientist's daughter is having second thoughts, but that doesn't matter because she is really dead and an alien cyborg.

Oh, the scientist also controls the mind of Titanosaurus, who fights Godzilla too.

The aliens have very silly hats.

Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All Out Attack
I love this movie SO FUCKING MUCH. I really do. Because:
The destruction and death that monster fights will inevitably cause is not ignored. In fact, it's highlighted.
The monsters look FUCKING AWESOME. Even goofy little Baragon, the poor fucker.
It's the only movie where you see Godzilla from the ground up, the people view.
I will always love Mothra, no matter how crappy her movies get.
And so on.

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January 5th, 2011

05:09 am - bad craziness
Bad Boys II
This is the other movie I watched around christmas.

Will Smith is a rich asshole, and Martin Lawrence is an asshole who lives suspiciously well. They are cops. They are kind of terrible at their jobs, and also they are psychotic. (At one point, Smith threatens to rape a 15 year old boy.)

Lawrence's sister is a DEA agent who has started dating Smith. She is undercover and she'd be doing quite well if her brother and his partner didn't keep fucking it up.

This movie is fucked up insane. Not really in a good way.

The House on Skull Mountain
On her death bed, an old lady gives her priest some letters to mail. Soon after, she caresses a voodoo doll and dies.

The letters were to the dying lady's great-grandchildren. Once the four people are in the house, something begins picking them off.

It's a pretty typical plot, except that most of the cast is black. One of the heirs is white, though. And he's the hero. Which kind of defeats the point.

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January 3rd, 2011

09:23 pm - non-kaiju movies I seen
I'm having trouble remembering what movies I saw over Christmas. So please forgive me if I miss one.

Santa's Slay
Santa is really the son of Satan. He lost a bet and had to deliver happiness and presents rather than fear and death for a thousand years. But now the thousand years are up! Santa heads to the little American town of Hell and begins to raise some.

This movie is stupid, gross, funny, and a lot of fun. Definitely on my top holiday movie list.

Valley of the Wolves: Iraq
I can understand why Gary Busey is in this thing; he has no pride left. But I'd really like to hear Billy Zane's excuse.

Here we have a wickedly depressing piece of Turkish propaganda/gung-ho action movie. The theme is that Americans suck. Oh, and so do terrorists--but mostly Americans.

This movie just made me feel terrible. Action was cool, though.

The title means "Fearless." This is an Indian action movie about corrupt cops and politicians, and also inter-generational conflicts. The action is pretty cool, but in the end no-one really learns anything, and you wonder what the point was.

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December 24th, 2010

05:51 am - Monster stompy!
Life keeps getting in the way of my monster movies, but here's what I've watched so far:

Godzilla Vs. Megaguirus
A weapon created to destroy Godzilla makes a portal through which giant carnivorous bugs enter our world. The bugs' eggs produce a LOT of water. Tokyo gets flooded. Bugs eat people. Good stuff.

This movie's main problem is that it came out between two of the very best Godzilla movies. It's a strong entry in the series, just not as strong as Godzilla 2000 or GMK.

Gamera: The Giant Monster
A while ago I watched the old dubbed version of this and commented that they'd King of the Monstersed that fuck out of it. Turns out, not so much.

A plane with nuclear bombs on it crashes in the arctic, and this wakes up a giant turtle. This makes the turtle grumpy, and he kills a bunch of people. A kid's father and big sister nastily insist that he "set free" his pet turtle, or they will while the kid's at school. Seriously, these people are assholes. While leaving his turtle on a hill, the kid is put into danger and then rescued by Gamera. Gamera then continues his rampage, intercut with the boy he rescued tearfully explaining that Gamera doesn't mean to be bad. Um, kid, the last shot was of him flame-broiling some people.

Yes, in this one, Gamera is only a friend to ONE children.

Also he has tusks and a flamethrower in his mouth.

Gamera Vs. Barugon
How do you fight a monster with a flamethrower in its mouth? With a monster with a fire extinguisher in its mouth, of course!

On a treasure-hunting expedition to a cursed cave, a greedy fucker gets his hand on what he thinks is a rare opal, but is actually a monster egg. This monster has a knife on its nose. It shoots a rainbow out its back that explodes anything it touches. The monster's tongue also blows up anything hit with it (must be a pain in the ass to eat with), plus the tongue shoots out a mist what freezes things.

Unfortunately this movie is even more boring than the last one, what with the monsters meeting for long yelling matches rather than fighting.

Super Inframan
Oh good lord. This is a Shaw Brothers flick featuring a robotic superhero fighting a woman and her minions, some of which are incredibly lame monsters. The rest of the minions are people with white-painted faces and horns on their motorcycles helmets, which is way less cool than it sounds.

So ungood.

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December 14th, 2010

03:49 am - all the movies I remember watching since the last update:
Dog Town & Z-Boys
Documentary about a bunch of surfer kids who revolutionized skateboarding in the '70s. Pretty cool, especially the comparison between old-school and new school styles.

House of the Devil
Very cool, entirely '80s style horror movie about a college girl who goes for a strange babysitting job and it all goes to hell. The violence is intense and insane. Weird movie.

This is one of those movies where the serial killers can jump bodies. Great cast. Not a bad movie, but nothing special. Also, the ending was disappointing.

For the crime of making an extra baby (the first one died), Christopher Lambert & his wife are sentenced to an awful high-tech prison run by Foreman's dad from "That '70s Show."

This movie is intense, with the only letup from rape, violence and dystopian despair being Jeffrey Combs' occasional comic relief. Good flick.

Ashley Judd is a tough cop with problems, especially when a serial killer starts targeting guys she's slept with. Unfortunately, she's also too fucking stupid to realize somebody drugged her booze.

I kind of hated this movie.

A bunch of kids go to a waxwork and get sucked into exhibits they're suited to. There's a lot of over-the top gore. This is why I was so upset to find out my copy wasn't the unrated version. Still, lots of fun, plus gratuitous Patrick Macnee.

Crimson Tide
Great cast on this one, but I had to stop watching because it was boring me shitless.

Waxwork II: Lost in Time
Things have not gone well for Mark and Sarah since they escaped the waxwork. Not only has a severed hand escaped and killed Sarah's stepdad, leaving her to take the blame, but Deborah Foreman has been replaced with Monika Schnarre. The two use a magic compass or something to find a way to prove Sarah's innocence (no, really) and wind up in more horror movie parodies, most of which go on too long. Great work by Bruce Campbell in the Haunting parody.. thing. Even more gratuitous Patrick Macneee.

Now I'm gonna do a monsterfest.

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November 8th, 2010

05:06 pm - oh fuck yes.
Defensestration the Movie

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